I don suffer! kai

I was just going through the motion last night and remembered how much suffer,suffer i don experinence for this useless Jand. men i don suffer oh!
Wen i first got to Jand i had to squat with my male cousin in his smelling, stuffed, congested room and i couldn't complain oh the guy was doing me a favour not to say i had no privacy and had to sleep on the same bed with him hearing him snore his life out! i always had the urge to suffocate him with his own pillow!
Anyway my major thoughts were based on wen i was looking for a job i bought newspaper tire in fact i bought so many that i almost went broke at least that's what i was advised to do. so i bought and bought oh.

The first job i came across was for a marketing executive role with no experience needed, i was glad oh something different from law, so i applied and went for the interview and got the job somewhere around charing cross. the problem with the job was that i had to suit up everyday no wahala but guess what? they should ave told me i was going to be hawking on the streets instead of saying i was a marketing executive haba! the worst part no salary i got paid dependent on the no of items i sold, i was based on commission only! what was i selling oh? note pads, organisers, shower radios, fake christian dior perfume, fake Parker pen the list was endless oh. and to think they had people wearing suit up and down feeling like they had the best job in the world how will i be working five days a week and not get paid haba!
I did this mad job for two weeks and ran away they called me tire i told them i was not emotionally stable to cope with this kind of street hawking!


Then i went back to my papers again to check for job vacancies then i saw a job for lady escorts out of curiosity i called them oh, an oyinbo man picked the call i told him why i called this is the dialogue that took place

mirage:(with my fake phonetics) hello is this the gem blah blah?

oyinbo: yes how can i help

mirage: oh i just came across an advert in the papers requesting for escorts! what does the job entail?

oyinbo: well our major clients are prestigious men who have functions to attend and would like to be escorted by pretty ladies other than their wives, for the night they pay as much as £500 amd more depending on if other expectations are met blah blah blah
mirage:what other expectations? ( this nah ashewo work oh mad man)
oynibo: before i go any further whats your ethnic group?
mirage: black African
oyinbo: whats ur hair type?
mirage: (kilo je be, wetin concern ashewo work with hair type?) i don't get it
oyinbo: is your hair straight?
mirage: yeah its permed and straight( habi no be the answer be that anuofia)
oyinbo: OK let me help you, your hair has to be naturally straight and even if permed it has to be silky and long and no hair extensions, do u get it now?
mirage: oh ok well its not silky the extension i have on is
oyinbo: well am sorry this job ain't for you thanks for calling goodbye
mirage:hello! hello! the mad man don drop.


Nah so i begin look for other vacancies oh so i came across another advert for hostesses so i called them up and was told the job entailed hosting guest and all that i would be more informed during the interview, so i went for the interview and met other girls pretty i must say i was asked to change into a dress given to me by the agency, and model the outfit i did anyway after all the serenere! i got the job and was to start the following night in the west end. Well i said to myself i can do the job afterall i will only be teasing men just to get them to buy a drink and no sex so no biggy! so i thot oh.
Got to the meeting point a limo picked bout 8 of us up and took us to a gentleman's club where we were told to bring sexy outfits and the rules were
1. no sex with the customers
2. you get paid dependent on the amount of champagne the customer can buy.. the higher the price the higher ur commission ( another commission based job)
3. you cant leave in btw the shifts
4. do not get drunk on the drink get the drink bought for you fill your glass sip a bit and then excuse yourself with your drink in your hand and go straight to the ladies to empty it replacing it with juice already placed their by the management( wayo oyinbo) the idea the more drink you pretended you drank the more order for a champagne and the more money
5. blah blah blah
so the first night we gathered and it was like strip dancing dance your life out to seduce the men and get them to buy champagne and get commission from the club owner rubbish, the men could touch you if you wanted but no sex!

It wasn't easy oh i danced my life out and did a lot of things i would never have thot i could all in the name of mama charlie money! the men were majorly white which made it easier they just wanted to be teased and if they got lucky layed outside the club some were willing to spend as much as £1,500 to £3000.00 or even more on ordinary drink oh, in one night the competition amongst us girls was mad, the jamo girls were hot and desperate, honestly i couldn't keep up with them or anyone it just wasn't me and i kept feeling guilty and all, men what did i go to school for, i met bout three girls that i knew from way back they looked decent during the day but here they were doing this! men my moral ethics just came into place after three nights of no show i jahed oh!
You can imagine only one night did one guy manage to buy me a drink worth £500 (stingy goat) and before he bought the drink nko? men i worked for that drink oh! the guy had a terrible mouth odour and had a nice perfume on and he was rich no doubt he made me dance dirty and men i teased the life out of him that was his thrill i guess! I drank the champagne, poured it on myself went topless, licked my nipples, men pls let me spare u the details of that day all for £100! N25,000 wat mirage nah wah. and after all these you would have thot the bastard would have bought the earth for where? though drunk he still had a little bit of sanity in him just a little beocs if not madness why spend such amount on a drink anyway wetin concern me no be my money!
oh did i tell you the commission on each drink is 20% fair deal but how many nights will u actually get lucky and out of desperation you almost got naked just to get a few quid haba wetin be that abeg i no fit.
I resigned after the 3day and made up my mind to get a professional job or get work in retail no more shady jobs and my people that's how that part of my commission based job madness ended oh


Ave a swell weekend cause am going to!