what do i think?

I still believe in love even when u tell me it doesnt exist, even when situation lets me see its a useless phenomenon but yet i still believe in love. just because you dont see the beauty in me doesnt mean i am not beautiful, just because you love me conditionally doesnt mean i am not loved unconditionally, what makes you think life without you for me is dead?

If i ever made you feel that way am sorry cos you know what? life without you is only the begining of better things to come.

Am not fooled that life is any easier out of my marriage but my consolation is that i will be free to explore as many options as i deem fit and make a choice based on wisdom and not my heart which you almost successed in recking.

IN all of this i am not blameless never said i was or even pretended to be, there have been times i should have stood my ground and not spoilt you silly with laziness or even indulged you into lording yourself over me or times when i had to lick your ass just for the sake of peace, i should have known that all that would backfire one day.

But who can blame me whats wrong in loving your man so much you almost wanna give your self to him whats wrong in worshipping the ground on which he walks on?

whats worng with that? whats wrong in wanting to keep my man? and saving the one thing i have always believed in MARRIAGE?

All said and done i have had good times with you many good times and even now i so wish things were different between us i guess the greatest mistake i made was letting you lord ur self over me i shouldnt have becasue thats what caused the whole problem.
Ask me how?
Good i will tell you

Now listen

It all started when i made up my mind one sunday afternoon enough was enough i wasnt taking it anymore so i started telling you how i felt, you called it nagging

Then i read all the books on earth to know how to talk to you, then tried another approach as suggested by the books, so i clamed down and spoke to you in a soft toned voice when you were in high spirits and when we had no disagreement, the moment i started, you called it complaining! only you haba!

wetin i do Ok oh i didnt give up i started to pray then i read a part of the bible that said be at peace with all men so i said 'if talking wasnt good enough Tinted Untrue just keep quiet and see if he comes around, then you called it malice keeping and started your own

Then i deceided to start living a lie and agreeing with you on everything just for peace i stopped saying anything, being too quiet, or even talking about our issues all i did was fulfill my duties as a wife, prayed for you, tried to satisfy you in bed, keep the house clean and just watch our lives like a soap opera then guess what you called it boring!

Then i said to myself what can i do to make this interesting so i started doing things to please you wearing those uncomfortable lingeries u love so much on TV, started giving you BJ which i hate so much i curse the monk that started it. infact i turned to your slave, served your meal late into the night cos thats when you wanted it, did your laundry cleaned after you, ran your erands and all what not and yet you called it choking!

lets be blameless!

I feel for you i wish i could change the way they look at you or blame you for their own problems the belief is your sins are rubbing off on us,could this be true mama?

They all say one thing you 'deserve better' but yet they are all so angry at you, they blame their misfortune on you.

They blame you for them having a bad life, a bad start, a bad education, a bad career and above all a bad marriage. They blame you for their mistakes.

They blame you for not being there when you should have been, when you could have pushed them a little to make a success out of their lives and for those that seem to be making a success out of their lives they wonder if they could have gotten this far if you had been there?

so much anger from them all.

Each making resolutions to make things right with their own children and not following your path yet they blame you for causing enmity between us your children,

They blame you for not begging God for your sins so that he can have Mercy on us, they blame you for living a reckless life that seems to be affecting us so bad now, they ask why you didn't stay with papa? why did you sin with another? why they all have different fathers?

onetime one of them said you said you didn't realise you had committed any sin, you didn't see anything wrong in all that you had done.

If only they could see you suffering from sleepless nights, your constant nightmares are as a result of your past in form of demons isn't that torture enough?

If only they could see the tears dripping from your eyes when i come to you in pain complaining about my turmoil in marriage and how you lament to me 'you wish you hadn't committed adultery or taken another woman's man, and how you realise how wrong you were now that you see it happening to me' isn't that torture enough?

MAMA why did you live your life like that? didn't you think it will affect us sooner or later? so many curses here and there so many killings so many sins, now we all blame you for being so ruthless, was it Ur beauty that made you think Nemesis wouldn't catch up with you?

I use to blame you like them but i have come to realise how weak you are and how much you have suffered and how repentant you are, how you so desire to make it right wishing you hadn't lived your life like that but how can i make them see reason with me how can i make them see what i see in you? what you have become, how much you have changed, how can i make them forgive you even when sometimes am mad at you too?

How can i make them realise nature has dealt with you badly and their UN-forgiveness is tearing you apart how can i? they dislike me i can feel it cos they feel you love me more than them but even though it is true you love us all. or don't you?

I warned you not to favour me above any of them but you wouldn't listen, you never failed to say i was the 'apple of your eyes' right to their faces!

They all blame you for being arm robbers, prostitutes, murders, prisoners, failures,drug addicts , wife beaters, womanisers, liars, adulterers,they blame you for their situations, they blame you for failing them they blame you for everything that went wrong with their lives.

Each one is reminded of .............................

the past and how u cursed them, calling them names, belittling them,criticising them and compared one child with the other,( in all of these you felt you meant well) how they tried to make things right with you, how they craved for your acceptance but got none, now it seems like you are at their mercy now that you are old and gray i feel so sorry for you cos honestly you deserve more than this.

my rationale............

you have suffered enough now is time for you to rest not to war but what can i do absolutely nothing than to pray that God gives you his peace and lets you live you the remaining part of your life on earth with happy memories.

After all we should all take responsibilities for choosing to live our lives the way it has turned out and not blame mama, we weren't forced to choose such a life but then again i know where they are all coming from they all just want to be blameless Mama they just all want to be blameless!

Just when i was about to......................

Just when i was about to give up on us you showered me with your charm and love,

just when i was bout to stop listening to you, you told me things i wanted to hear, needed to hear,

just when i was about to leave you, you gave me reasons to stay,

just when i was about to betray you, you gave me reasons not to,


just when i was about to hurt you, you showed me reasons to protect you,


just when i was about to deform you you gave me reasons to beautify you,


just when i was bout to tag you unreliable you gave me reasons to call you responsible,


just when i was about to lose you you gave me reasons to keep you not that i own you!





JUST WHEN........................


just when i was about to give us another chance you messed it all up like you always do!


just when i was about to love you, you gave me reasons never to love you again!


Just when i was hoping for the best you tarnished all the hopes i had of us ever reconciling,


just when i was about to trust you, you threw my trust at my face,


just when i was about to stop writing about you, you gave me reasons to continue


just when i was about to defend you, you gave me reasons not to,


just when i was bout to erase the past you brought the past into our present,


just when i was about to, just when i was about to, you failed me once again!

THE STRANGER I HATE ! Part 1

The love i once knew has become a stranger to me, the all of you has become so sour to me! i wake up in the morning and despise the sight of you sleeping beside me, i look at you and ulter the words i hate you in my sub conscious, the rage i feel inside of me towards you envelopes my reasoning. yet despite all this i still manage to ulter the words " i love you" and mean it, then again i wonder if am losing my mind or if i have just accepted my fate of not being able to love you anymore and just living by waiting to be rescued from this madness called marriage!



The reality is i might never have the strength to leave you not because i cant but simply because its too much trouble and maybe too much money! so i'll wait for you to say the words so you can spend the money to free me!



A stranger you have become to me, i cant believe i never really knew you i thought i did i must have been intoxicated with love and blinded by your deceit.

I hate so much about you so much even this pages cannot contain them but let me start listing them maybe just maybe i might see why i should love you again?

• I hate that you are so handsome which makes you so vain. and with the useless notion if i leave another will replace me without you blinking an eye! How selfish

• I hate how you snore it drives me seriously insane i havent slept for a whole yr cos of this!

• I hate how you treat me as a competition never interested in my career development, my spirituality, my sensaulity, my everything that makes me so special and unique

• I hate that you dont compliment me even when i go out of my way to wear uncomfortable wears for you and costly hair styles
  
• I hate the way you flirt with everything in skirt and how you discuss our matters with them all because you want to *uck them.
  
• I hate the fact that you are so, so into your self never including me in your plans

• I hate the fact that your mother comes first, U had rather confide in her than to me. Sometimes i wonder why you didnt marry her. Mummy,s boy still sucking his mother breast!

• I hate the fact you disrespect me and belittle me at every given opportunity

• I hate that you are a terrible liar

• I hate that i have to seduce you to have sex with me yet u are such a bore in bed

• I hate the fact that you keep secrets to your self how foolish of you if only you knew how much i know!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

• I hate how you kiss, i ask how i never realised you had such a big tongue all this while. love is crazy and overrated!


• I hate how you try to control me and maltreat me.

• I hate that you lie to people about the way i look not because its true but just to make them think you have good taste, u are more concerned about them looking down on you than on me.

• I hate the fact that no one can reprimand you when you are wrong not even your mother how much more your father

• I hate that i speak to you and you turn deaf ears to my cry, i hate that i cant communicate with you when i have to.

• I hate that i cant talk to you. I hate it

• I hate that you make all our decisons

• I hate that you still live and dine in the sixties

• I hate that you fall out of love with me every now and then

• I hate depending on you cause you are such an unkind man

• I hate that your love for me is conditional i have to impress you to get a medal of love!

• I hate that i met you

• I hate how you keep malice and never forgiving, sometimes i wonder why God doesnt strike you down!

• I hate how you treat my family, no love no respect.

• I hate the fact that you dont take me as one to you always trying to prove you are the lord over me. GOD FORBID BAD THING!

• I hate how unwise you are

• I hate the fact that you act like a ten yr old so narrow minded

• I hate when you lie to me, and i hate it even more that i make you feel smart when you really aint

• I hate the fact that you have allowed women to be the centre of your life, i hate that you are so gulliable with them believing every stupid thing you hear and living a fake life

• I hate how you get carried away with the outward appearance of women and compare them to me

• I hate that you are so unrealistic in your thinking!

• I hate how you depriveme of my rights as a woman in the house

• I hate how you talk to me like a slave

• I hate that you want to ruin me

• I hate how you tell the whole world your plans even before you execute them how dumb of you!

• I hate the fact that the world sees you as a great man, that drives me nuts, you know why? cos that makes me look like a liar or a troublesome person which am not.

• I hate how you compain about how i look, what i ought to be wearing, buying etc

• I hate the fact that you dont lift a finger in the house to help in the house and yet never say thank you

• I hate the fact that you want to turn me into your toy and plaything

• I hate how you use me i.e. only come to me for sex when it suits you

• I hate how maniuplative you can be

• I hate that we dont pray together or even go to church

• I hate you watching porn when am around or even chatting online with your women when am around no respect!

• I hate how you say you cant stand me farting around you yet you do the same damn thing all the time

• I hate that you treat me like your slave and insult me.

• I hate how you threaten me all the time

• I hate how i love you yet hate you!

• I hate that i lost the twins becasue of you, your constant stressing me made me lose two lives u cant bring back.........................................
  
  

MY PAIN WHY?

Have you felt pain so much that it became a part of you? so deep in your existence, so real, so true, so much that your mind dwells in the beauty of it?.

I feel my own pain it so real to me no one else understands the depth of it. Pain can tear you apart and cause you to see life in another direction in another way, i ask all the questions i wonder why? and then again i seek God in all ways to rescue me from drowning but i cant seem to reach him he seems so far so far away yet i still believe there is a greater power than me somewhere watching the drama in my life and probably having a good laugh.

But then honestly i know he isn't doing that just waiting to take me to another level of faith. but then again i cant see beyond my pain its consuming me gradually turning me insane drowning my reasoning.

I found a friend in denial, she has become a part of me, helping me to take each day as it comes, giving me the hope even "the light" cant show me. Am so in tune with the music of death as it sings melodies of death into my soul and the souls of all that it took with it. Then again i ask why why why? but no one can truly answer no one can, no one can, no one, not one!

In the midst of my pain how can you curse me with the things that torment me over and over why bother me? Its not a gift , its not my life, its not a blessing, its not my calling, its not my purpose, its not my mission it is the beginning of my doom!

It makes me unacceptable, its driving me away from the people i once loved or that once loved me, how can you punish me this way why? I am like one afflicted with leprosy how can something so beautiful be so wrong how can it be so ugly? how MY PAIN WHY?

Must i be an instrument for you to use? haven't you tortured me enough with your mysteries? the future should stay where it belongs 'the future' not in the present where i am. WHY me?must i divulge their woes to them? their goodness to them? before it happens must i? how can i help them understand when i refuse to pass your message across you torture me with insomnia? , a confused mind, insanity, depression, and death over and over again.

MY PAIN WHY?

A new Dawn!

Femi came back and i had gotten rid of the pregnancy, i had made up my mind i wasnt going to say a word of it to him. He was all sweet when he saw me and we quickly forgave each other of the way we both acted when he was away but my conscience wouldnt let me be. Femi had been my confidant from ages and i felt he deserved to know what i did while he was away but i couldnt bring myself to tell him anything one of his friends had seen Tokunbo and i on a date i wasnt sure if the guy was going to tell him but then i couldnt could i? i was going mad with worry.

On my birthday Femi threw a surpise party for me and invited a whole bunch of peeps i hadnt seen in a long while i was excited and felt loved and appreciated but my heart felt like i didnt deserve this guy, i had to tell him so i called him aside and told him i had something to say he asked me to keep it for later that it was my birthday and i deserved to make it special i insisted and started the long useless story of my betrayal and all, he just listened and nodded and did alot of hmmmm! HMMMMMMMM! then more EHEHEHEN! and all, i was getting scared he wasnt looking at me anymore after i finished my story he asked if i had finished and i said yes he excused himself and left the party without a word to me.

I called him he refused to pick my calls he refused to see me he was not just going to forgive me. why should he i often asked myself why? Its not like we borke up i was two timinig and instead of hiding it i had the guts to tell him.

After what seemd like a decade he called me and asked me to come over to his house i told him i couldnt cause honestly i didnt know what to expect after Donalds wonderful treat no way no more shockers. He insisited i agreed after much persuassion i called a friend of mine up and asked her to go to his house first and see if they were having any ceremony, she called back to say no. so i got to Femis place his dad and mum were home i wasnt comfortable i felt he had told them something the guilty run when no one chases them that was my case. Femi took me to his room locked his door opened his wardrobe and brought out a carrier bag i was still scared, he sat beside me and looked at me for a long time he brought out a small box and said i was going to give this to you on your birthday my heart skipped, he asked me to open it i said no need but i did open it it was a beautiful platinum engagement ring, i held it in my hands and wept like i had been beaten he cuddled me and before i could say a word i knelt on my knees and begged for his forgiveness told him i didnt deserve to be his girlfriend but that i wanted him to forgive me for the sake of our friendship as a friend. He held me up and told me how he had forgiven me and how the last few months had been for him i was praying he had say he also cheated on me so that i would feel comfortable but he said he didnt and i believed him. i gave him back his ring and left his house in tears. I had just lost the most precious friend i had ever had.

I was miserable and lost weight so much that my mother thot i had HIV! she literally dragged me to the hosiptal for a test which was negative thank God i was kinda of hopin it had be positive so that i would die, but no God had other plans for me. I didnt see or hear from femi again and for me that was fine i messed up no doubt! BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Thats not what God had in stock for me oh During the end of year party organised by my bank we went to the beach during one of the weekends to have fun i had made up my mind not to go but my closest friend dragged me there she felt i was drowning in my sorrow and self pity she teased me about meeting someone nice and having another chance to make it right. That didnt motivate me cause i didnt want to meet anyone i just wanted to be by myself. anyway i went for the party oh and low and behold who did i see FEMI what was he doing here?, maybe he came with a friend? mabye this? mabye that? anyway he came to say hi to me and asked if we could talk. we took a walk down the beach i felt ok the sand was good for my legs therefore good for my nerves after much said and done my peeps Femi proposed to me on the beach! it was a shock for me i thot it was a set up a get back, a revenge i was scared i said yes yes yes and cried like a baby but i was still scared he was going to dumb me. He had planned coming down with my friend who knew what he was up to.

Months after it was marriage talk everywhere oh my folks were exicted the marriage date had been fixed his parents were all excited Femi seemed to be too but i was the only one not so exicted my heart kept telling me this was too good to be real and that it wasnt going to happen, i was counting down, my heart was skipping i was fasting and praying i was having dreams i just wasnt ok mentally, emotionally, phyiscally, everything was wrong with me.

November came oh and the day came oh i was still not sure i purposely was sluggish and made up my mind to get to the church late my mum yelled, my dad yelled only i knew what i was doing, i got to church 30mins late for my own wedding and there he was standing right there waiting for me i thot i was still day dreaming i looked beautiful but still wasnt sure he wasnt going to jilt me. The ceremony began the pastors preached prayed and when the time to exchange vows came i started weeping profusley Femi didnt know why, the pastor thot i was over joyed the guest thot i was overwhelmed only i knew what was going on, we exchanged vows and rings and then and then he kissed me and said" u are mine forever now nothing will take u away from me except death"

make una help me beg Last king of scotland to forgive me ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Tlk is a rare gem one in a million a man of few words but yet much actions a man of integrity, a lover of life, beauty and love.
A friend till the end, a man i just cant understand, had love to hate but yet cant stop loving, so kind and self giving, yet quick to anger, slow to forgive.
TLK U CANT CHASE ME OUT OF UR LIFE JUST LIKE THAT WHEN WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN!
HABA
FORGIVE ME MY DARLYN MY LOVE MY FRIEND
DONT RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!