MY PAIN WHY?

Have you felt pain so much that it became a part of you? so deep in your existence, so real, so true, so much that your mind dwells in the beauty of it?.

I feel my own pain it so real to me no one else understands the depth of it. Pain can tear you apart and cause you to see life in another direction in another way, i ask all the questions i wonder why? and then again i seek God in all ways to rescue me from drowning but i cant seem to reach him he seems so far so far away yet i still believe there is a greater power than me somewhere watching the drama in my life and probably having a good laugh.

But then honestly i know he isn't doing that just waiting to take me to another level of faith. but then again i cant see beyond my pain its consuming me gradually turning me insane drowning my reasoning.

I found a friend in denial, she has become a part of me, helping me to take each day as it comes, giving me the hope even "the light" cant show me. Am so in tune with the music of death as it sings melodies of death into my soul and the souls of all that it took with it. Then again i ask why why why? but no one can truly answer no one can, no one can, no one, not one!

In the midst of my pain how can you curse me with the things that torment me over and over why bother me? Its not a gift , its not my life, its not a blessing, its not my calling, its not my purpose, its not my mission it is the beginning of my doom!

It makes me unacceptable, its driving me away from the people i once loved or that once loved me, how can you punish me this way why? I am like one afflicted with leprosy how can something so beautiful be so wrong how can it be so ugly? how MY PAIN WHY?

Must i be an instrument for you to use? haven't you tortured me enough with your mysteries? the future should stay where it belongs 'the future' not in the present where i am. WHY me?must i divulge their woes to them? their goodness to them? before it happens must i? how can i help them understand when i refuse to pass your message across you torture me with insomnia? , a confused mind, insanity, depression, and death over and over again.

MY PAIN WHY?